Quick Catch Up

Ok, so, to catch up. A lot has happened in the past few months. I didn’t really want to update on it until I knew more for sure.

So Donovan is back. He moved back on Sunday. I;ve seen him both Sunday and yesterday, it was awesome. I’ve missed him so much, and I am so happy that he is back in the valley. Not only is he back in the valley, but Sarah was able to find a house that is no more than 2 miles from me. Which makes it really easy to split time with Donovan. He is getting so big. He is answering simple questions, and can say multiple words. He can use his own spoon and fork, take off his own shoes… I cannot believe he is almost 2! Well, almost, almost. He is 17 months now. He is so frickin adorable. I love him.

So things are still progressing between me and HER. I have been to see her twice after she came out here. She will be moving here this summer, as soon as school is out. She doesn’t want to leave her students in the middle of the year, and as long as she stays through the end of the school year, she will get paid through the summer. Good deal huh? I’m not going to go into too many specifics, as those of you that I want to know, already do. Let’s just say that things are going ok, they are hard, and every day is struggle due to outside influences and forces, and feelings of guilt and pain. But everyday we make it through, and so things still plod on. Don’t get me wrong, SHE is worth far more than this. I would literally stand before Satan himself and face reconciliation to be with HER. To have her heart. Last night I was writing her, and I wrote a sentence that I think perfectly explains it all…

______, (Still protecting her name) you are My Perfection because in the very depths of my soul, down to the roots of my entire self-being, you are the most breath-takingly beautiful, passionate, kind-hearted, intelligent, wonderful, amazing woman I have ever been in the presence of, and I am completely, totally and absolutely consumed by you.

Ok, so, recap… Donovan is home… YAY. And SHE will be coming home… YAY. And I will have verything I could ever want and more.

He is getting s

New Year!!!!

Happy New Year to one and all. I hope that everyone has had a good and safe holiday. But now the holidays are over and we must all get back into the grind, and act like another year is just another year. For a lot of us, this past year was a time for change and for some, it was a stagnant year. No matter which end of the spectrum you are on, just remember that its officially a new year, which means there are another 365 days to accomplish all the things you didn’t accomplish last year.

As for me, there are many new changes on the horizon.

First off, mo mac is coming finally coming back to valley. I am so excited. I miss him so much. I cannot wait. He should hopefully be here around the first of February. YAY!!!!

Second, for those of you that have been kept up on things, things with HER are progressing. She is going to be moving here this summer. I am so excited. Never have I felt so strongly for someone. Never have I wanted to marry someone like I do her. Never have I felt such Passion. She is mo grá mo chroí. Mo chuisle. Mo aingeal. Right now, things still have to remain subtle and vague until some things in her life have been taken care of. So stay tuned for further updates, as they are hopefully coming soon.

So, my roommate and best friend, E, has purchased a toy. It’s a 49cc pit bike. 49cc of Fury. So far everyone that has ridden it, has hurt themselves somehow, someway. Whether its being stupid and trying to pull wheelies while popping second gear, or trying to bunny hop a large rock, or just speed demon your way through a wash… something bad is going to happen.

Ok, I know this is short, so I will write more and fill in blanks at a later time.

Donovan...

Sleep tight this night my little man.
I'll be here when your eyes peer among the light.
I'll hold you tightly as you wrap your arm around my neck.
It's the smile you share and the constant stare.
Sleep tight tonight my little man.
For when you rustle I'll awake.
I'll grab your hand and hold;
I'll cover you up with my warmth and love.
Sleep tight my little man.
As I dream I see you all grown;
Sitting next to a crib repeating to your son,
”Sleep tight this night my little man”.

The story...

Ok so this is the entry I’ve wanted to post for awhile now, but was unsure if I should and what I should say. There are probably a few of you that are going to be upset if you read this, and for that I am sorry. I’m sorry if you are mad, or sad, or upset with me. I really am. I also know you will probably have a lot of questions. Not to be a dick or anything, but, don’t ask. What I put in this post is all that I want people to know. If it’s not in the post, I don’t want you to know, so don’t ask. Just a fair warning in advance, it is what it is.

Ok so let’s start with a little back story…

The Year…1994. The place is Ramstein, Germany. I am going out with this beautiful girl. We are completely head over heels in love. She is my angel, and I am hers. We save each other from certain self-destruction, and help each other grow more confident and self-assured. There is a deep, intimate bond there that neither of us are really aware of, at this time, nor could we explain it if we were aware of it at this time. Life is wonderful. I’m a senior with high hopes of coming back to the states after graduation and going to college. She is a junior, also with high hopes of coming back to the states after graduation and going to college. I have high hopes of our relationship continuing past high school. As a matter of fact, I am even planning on asking this girl to marry me after we are both out of school. (I know that to some, this may seem like a foolish and silly idea. And that’s ok, it probably is. But I don’t care.)

So anyway, life is good. Very good. My dad, who is retiring from a 20 year career in the Air Force, in June of 94, is planning to follow my step-mom (who is a civilian government employee) around and be a retiree bum. This was supposed to happen AFTER I graduated. Then… the bomb drops. BOOM!!!! My step-mom gets word that she has been re-assigned to a base in England, and she has to go NOW. So my parents, in their infinite wisdom, decide that me and my brother will join her in England and my dad will stay behind until his official retirement. Ok, this is February of my senior year. I graduate in 2 months!!!! My scholarship rides on me being able to finish out the athletic season. How could you tell me to leave now!!?? Leave my school, my friends… HER. My whole life is coming down around me. I have to leave everything I have built my life to be. Everything I have planned it to be. WTF!!!!!???

So, I am able to talk to my school, and they tell me that as long as my GPA doesn’t drop, and I am playing on the Varsity squad at my new school, and I can get on the team immediately after enrolling, they will carry my scholarship. Cool. Got that covered.

I tell my friends. We agree to stay in contact. LOL!!!! Ok, so its been almost 15 years, and I have finally gotten back into contact with those that are important to me. And you guys know who you are. I am only missing one, and I will never stop looking for him. *shaking my fist in the air* I know you’re out there Steve, you damned back-woods hillbilly bastard.

So, that only leaves one other thing to figure out. HER. What do I do with her? Do I ask her to wait for me? To continue on in a relationship carried across the channel? (English Channel people, know your geography) To put her life on hold? Yes. That is what I should do. (And I find out later that had I asked her to wait, she would have gladly done it. As a matter of fact, I now know that she would’ve said Yes, had I asked her to marry me. *shaking head* I am such a fool.) But… is that what I do… No. I go to her, tell her that its time to go our separate ways. I don’t explain that I’m leaving, I don’t explain anything. I just walk away. Why, you might ask? I DON”T KNOW!!!! Cause I’m a complete freakin retard. Because I’m so caught up in my own depression, my own agony, my own selfishness. And… when I tell her, she is very casual about it. Almost callous. She says its ok. That we can still be friends. That she is ok with it. WTF!!! I’m crushed, heart-broken. How could she not care?! How could she be ok with this?! I am in complete agony and she doesn’t even seem to care. I guess that would be another reason I just walked away with no explanation. Little did I know, at that time, what was really going through her mind. I found out later that she was absolutely heart-broken and devastated. But she thought I didn’t want her, and that’s why I was walking away, so she didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of seeing her upset.

So I walk away. I move to England, and she is now a painful memory. I made a decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. A decision that shatters my heart, and makes me incapable of love for years to come.

I tell myself I will never fully love anyone else. And with that comes a lack of trust. So now I am incapable of loving or trusting any other girl completely. I keep my heart locked away, secure and safe. Never again will I allow myself to fall so completely. Never again will a girl have my whole heart. She may get a part of it, but never all of it.

Ok, so let’s now fast forward about 10 years. I’m in Phoenix. I’ve been with a wonderful girl (Sarah) for about 3 years now. Things are good with us. Right now. See, we have this stupid problem. We break up and get back together a lot. We can’t communicate, and it seems that every conversation is a competition. I do love her, but somewhere in the back of my head, there is a voice. A constant, low murmuring of uneasiness. “This won’t last. This isn’t the one. Your heart lies somewhere else.” I try to ignore it, push it away, but I can’t. I’ve never been able to. This is the umpteenth girl I’ve had a relationship with since HER, and I haven’t been completely happy with any of them. There was always the voice. Some of you scoff and say, that’s just a fear of commitment. And to you I say, “Thbbbbbbbbttttt!!!” I know it is not that, but am unwilling to go into further detail right now.

Anyway, back to the story… One of my friends from high school lives in Tucson, and is coming up for a visit. It just so happens that my mom is also in town. We decide to meet for dinner. So me, Sarah, my friend, and her husband, all go out for a nice little dinner date. Everything is going swimmingly, everyone is conversating, laughing, having a good dinner. Then it comes… “So, Randy, did I tell you. I know where SHE is.” (Well, she didn’t say she, she threw out a name, but I am currently still trying to protect HER name.) “I’ve talked to her. She lives in Alabama these days, she’s a teacher, she’s married, got a couple of kids… doing good.” My heart jumps into my throat, and falls through the floor at the same time. My stomach knots up, my chest feels like its gonna explode from my heart beating so fast and hard, and I start to shake a little. All the while, I have to keep my face placid; I have to keep my eyes from betraying my emotions. I mean, my girlfriend and mom are sitting next to me. I can’t show any reaction. So I gather my voice, calm my nerves, and say, “Really? Right on. Good for her.” All I wanted to do was scream. It seriously felt like my body was going to tear itself apart. After all these years, someone I know knows where SHE is, has talked to HER, has seen HER!!!! I know SHE is married with kids, and that crushes me. I know it shouldn’t matter, I mean, I’m in a long-term relationship, we are across the country from each other, its been 10 years, she probably hates me anyway, and of course SHE would be in a relationship.

But it does matter. Somewhere deep within my heart, something stirs; something awakens that has been dormant for years. My soul, which has been complacent in its lonely void, suddenly stirs in anxiousness. Suddenly no longer satisfied to be alone in its empty void. And now, now is when everything goes south. Little did I know that my friend has also told HER that she knows where I am.

Skip ahead a year. A lot has happened, and if you want to know, go back and read my archives… HER and I have been chatting randomly here and there. SHE found me on myspace, and so we started chatting whenever we were both online at the same time. SHE was there when the whole Kim thing happened, and kinda helped me stay sane when I was there. But our conversations were very innocent. Despite what is happening inside me, I keep everything casual and friendly. Don’t let on how my heart is constantly in my throat, how my stomach is in knots, whenever I’m talking to HER. And, well, SHE is married. Off limits. Untouchable… or so I thought.

Skip ahead to August of this year. And the worldly elements around us have “gifted” us with a gentle Indian summer breeze. Hurricane Gustav. So this little breath of the gods has decided that its time to grace the South with its presence. This causes thousands of people to be displaced from their homes… again. This time, one of those people is HER.

They have closed schools and she is chilling out at the in-laws house waiting out the hurricane. We’ve started texting each other. Chatting through our phones. Then we start talking. She has the voice of an angel. The same voice (plus a little southern accent) I have kept locked away in my deepest of memories. A siren’s call. And I’m hooked. I’m lured. I’m trapped… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m working at the mine… I’m not working at the mine. (read previous post). Sarah and I have just had a huge fight. She has decided to go through my emails, and has found some of the stuff HER and I have been writing to each other. Sarah tells me, “Either stop talking to her, or I walk.” Instant fear grips my heart. My son!!!!! She can’t take my son!!!! So I agree. I tell her I will no longer talk to HER. But I can’t help it. We still chat and text and talk whenever we can. I start making sure I delete my emails, change my password, delete our texts from my phone on a hourly basis… blah blah blah…

So, since I’m no longer employed by FMI, Sarah and I decide it would be best to move back to the valley. So I come down by myself. Find a house, find a job, all in one day. Go me!!! Then I go back up to get the rest of the fam. And we all move down. My boy Eric moves in, to help each other out, and everyone is content. Except me.

See, like I said earlier, I’ve known that this relationship would not make it. I’ve known for years. I’ve known with every girl that it wouldn’t last forever. Sarah accused me over and over that I didn’t think she was good enough for me. That may be partially true. Not that she wasn’t good enough. She was great. To be honest, I didn’t deserve her. She put up with a lot. She just wasn’t what my heart and soul were looking for. And now was the time. It was time to stop faking it, time to stop trying to make something work that I’ve known for a long time won’t. Time to stop being a couple just because I’m too afraid to be away from my son. So… we end it. No need to go into details, it’s none of your business. The end result is that Sarah has moved back to Morenci, taken Donovan and gone back to her mom’s.

It is now Halloween weekend. SHE has come to visit. SHE stays with me from Friday till Tuesday. We go to the Grand Canyon, Flagstaff, Sedona, Jerome… you know, the Northern Arizona Tour de Randy. This is the greatest weekend of my life. Everything is perfect.

She steps out of the security gate, more beautiful than I remembered, more beautiful than any of the pictures I’ve seen, and into my arms. We literally stand there, not moving, in the middle of the security gate, just holding each other for probably a good 15 minutes. I am complete again. My heart opens and out pours years of repressed emotions. I almost cry.

So we spend the weekend together. It is the most beautiful, most exciting, most heart-opening, soul-baring weekend of my life. I’m told at one point that this is her “most perfect moment”. And I tell her that the whole weekend is my perfect moment. SHE is my perfect moment. I don’t think more than a couple of minutes go by the entire time that we aren’t touching. Holding hands, hugging, kissing.

Now its Tuesday, time for her to leave. She gets in her rental and tells me, “I promise you. I’m coming back.” My heart and soul are screaming. NO! She can’t leave. After all these years, she can’t come back, then leave. Here is where I insert my deepest gratitude for you Spencer. You may have literally saved my life that day. You have no idea. So anyway, she leaves, with promises of her return, and with promises from me that I shall wait patiently.

SHE is it. SHE is the one. The moment we came together, everything in me screamed that this was it. This is what I have been waiting for. SHE is what I’ve been waiting for. SHE is what my heart and soul have been missing. I love her unlike I have ever loved any woman. I love her fully, and completely. I trust her fully and completely. I am happy… fully and completely.

So now, I know what some of you are thinking. And I know that some of you are shaking your heads at me. I don’t care. I don’t. Sorry to be an asshole, but…

I know I know

Ok, so I’m tired of trying to make excuses for my lack of blog upkeep. I’m just a lazy bastard. So I know some of you are gonna get online today and say “Hey, look at that, that lazy bastard actually updated his blog again for the first time in months,” and to all of you…Thbbbbbbtttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so since my last blog, a lot has happened. Big shocker there. It seems that there is always a lot to say between blogs. Yes, I know that if I updated more, that I wouldn’t have as much to say, but piss off!!!!!

So let’s see…

Well, Donovan is now 15 months old. He weighs in at about 30lbs, and stands about 30 inches tall. As you can see from the pictures below, he is the cutest, most handsome baby on the planet. And yes, just the thought of him makes me beam with pride. He is walking, running, jumping, dancing, trying to climb. He isn’t talking yet, but making lots of jabber. He can say dada, and nana, and mama (when he wants to). He is eating real food and is off the bottle. He is becoming such a big boy. I am so proud of him.

Ummm, so since the last posting, I’ve changed jobs twice. Yes twice. I know. I’m a loser. So, back in April, Sarah and I decided to have a change in scenery. We knew we didn’t want to raise Donovan here in the valley. So we had the bright idea of moving to Morenci, where Sarah is from. We had the idea that her family could and would help out with Donovan. Help her. You know, I know that some of you have kids out there. Isn’t it nice to have your parents around to help with the kid. You know, watch them for an hour or two, maybe a day, maybe a weekend… Yeah…all of you that have or had that…you suck and I hate you. Yeah, Sarah’s mom is crazy. Like seriously. For reals. Crazy. Psycho… And absolutely no help whatsoever. Now for those of you who don’t know where Morenci is, (which is pretty much everyone outside of Morenci) Morenci is located on the eastern Arizona border up in the mountains. It is a mining town, population like 1300 people. It is actually the US’s largest open pit copper mine. So anyway, it is up in the mountains. So not only were we moving to hill people territory, but also backwoods, mining, hill people. (Banjo playing in background) So anyway, we moved up there and I got a job driving a 360 ton (Empty, 500 ton loaded) dump truck, the size of a 2-story house, for the mine. It was fun. A good change from sitting under the fluorescent bulbs, and recycled air of the office environment. Instead of sitting in a 5x5 cubicle, I was in a 5x5 cab of twin turbo diesel house on wheels. Here is a picture of my truck sitting behind a Ford F-750 diesel maintenance truck.

Unfortunately, one dark night, while driving my truck down a winding, treacherous, steep ramp, I was distracted by a communicae from someone (that story to follow). I was made aware at the same time over the 2-way radio in the cab of my truck, that I needed to make my next left, which was too quickly approaching. As I tried to slow the truck down, and catch the turn without flipping this house over and almost certainly killing myself, the back end of the truck let loose and as I drifted this 500 ton death machine around this hairpin dirt turn, my back tires slid over the edge of the safety berm created to keep vehicles from going over the edge of the road and to their doom. I somehow managed to keep the truck not only out of the trench, but also did, what was later called, by both Mine Safety and my Supervisors, “a miraculous bit of 4-wheel driving to keep the truck from flipping over and killing me”. They say that there is no way I should still be alive and that there is no way I even kept the truck on its wheels. Know what I say… “Thanks E. Thanks for teaching me how to 4-wheel effectively. You evidently saved my life wile trying to show me another way to kill myself out in the desert.” So…anyway, I got fired. You wreck a truck and violate the safety standards set down by MSHA (Mine Safety and Health Administration. Same as OSHA, just for the mines), you are fired. No questions.

So back to Phoenix. See the only way to live in Morenci is to work for the mine. The mine owns the housing and the lands. So after a very stressful conversation, Sarah and I decide to move back to the valley. More opportunities for jobs, more and better housing, and all of our friends are here. And since we got almost no help from her family, there was really no reason to stay. So… back to Phoenix. I come down by myself for a weekend to try to get a job and a place for us to live. Fortunately, the gods were smiling upon me. The first job I interviewed for, I got. The first house I looked at, I got. Both were perfect prime locations, and both ere exactly what I was looking for. Awesome! So, now I got a nice 4 bdrm, 2.5 bath, 2-story house in Gilbert, and a nice Software Consulting cush job with a great company. Everything is looking bright and up.

AND OUT GO THE LIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So… we have moved down. We’ve gotten settled into the new house, Donovan getting used to his room, and finally sleeping through the night again. The job is going good, blah blah blah… but in the back of my mind rears the head of the demon that has been lying dormant. The shadow that has been over my heart for a long time.

“Sarah, I don’t think I’m in love you anymore. To be honest, the only I care about seeing when I get home from work is Donovan. I know this sounds mean, but I just don’t care if you are here or not. I think is over. I think we finally need to end a relationship I think we should of ended years ago. You don’t have to move out, as I have extra rooms, so you can stay as long as you want or need to get on your feet. That way I will still have Donovan. I know this is sudden and I know you weren’t expecting this, but I have known this for a long time, but didn’t want to break up our family. It wasn’t until now I realized we aren’t a family. We are a mom and dad taking care of their son. But not a mom and dad taking care of each other.”

Yeah. That was a very condensed version of the conversation that spanned 2 days, and involved a lot of tears, a lot of discussions, and a lot of re-hashing our 7 year debacle of relationship. I mean, I in no way regret our relationship, or even how long we stayed together. I only regret that we didn’t have the love needed to keep a family together. And luckily, she has a big heart. And BTW, for the record, just so everyone knows, she is a FANTASTIC mom. Seriously, she is an awesome and wonderful mom. Donovan is her entire life. And I will always love her for that. I know that Van will ALWAYS come first. And I am so happy that he has her for a mom. We are still friends and are able to talk and chat. She has decided that she can’t stay here, so she did move back to her mom’s in Morenci. This does suck because, the only thing I wanted was to be able to see my son everyday, and now its been 3 weeks. Now, before I continue, its not her fault that I haven’t seen him. So nobody think anything bad about her. Its just the financial side of trying to drive 4 hours with a baby. Hopefully, I will be able to see him this next weekend, so I’m stoked about that. I miss him so so much. I miss him running up to me and giving me a hug when I get home. I miss him running around yelling da da da da. I miss hearing him grunt in response to our talking. God I miss him.

So other than that, I think you are pretty much caught up now. Now that Sarah has left, I have had my buddy Eric and his brother Evan move in to help with the house. SO I have moved from a family household to a single bachelors’ pad. Too bad I am not much of a bachelor. The house would have some serious potential. As for my bachelorhood, I have left out a very important detail in this story, but you’ll have to wait till my next post for that one. You can actually expect the next post to come later today, or by Monday at the latest.

Peace be with you all

I'm in so much trouble.

Ok, so I get home today, after a long a grueling day at work, and as I walk through the front door, preparing myself for the inevitable *"Gua Glide", I am unexpectedly meet by a heinous bitch slap! It seems that in my previous post, I may have accidentally gave Donovan's birth weight and time inaccurately. And may the gods forgive me, because Sarah sure didn't. She made sure I was well aware of the fact that she was in labor for 20+ hours, and it wasn't because he was 7 lbs. So let me set everything right. Donovan was born 8/8/07 at 10:20pm., not 8pm. And he was 9lbs. 3ozs. not 7lbs 9ozs. So now that I have made right, maybe I can sleep in my own bed tonight. Wish me luck!

One long year

WOW.

So it’s been almost a year since my last post. Good thing my blog isn’t alive, or I would’ve killed it months ago due to neglect. But due to popular demand and persistent complaints, I’m back with all the worthy news (in my opinion of course)!!!!

1. Donovan Orion Dunn was born August 8^th 2007 at approx 8pm. He was 7lbs 9 oz. with dark hair and grey eyes. And he was perfect.

2. Got rid of the old beater car and got a Toyota 4Runner (which I love). Can’t wait to get another vehicle so I can turn my Runner into a Desert runner.

3. Got promoted to Supervisor at my job.

4. Mr. Syrmopoulos graduated from Hofstra Law and finally moved back to AZ.

5. Mr. Proffitt made it through another long year at ASU Law.

6. My most hated team in college sports won the damn NCAA Football Championship.

7. The damn Pats lost the damn Super Bowl to the damn Giants. DAMN!!!!!!

8. BUT…the frickin SOX won the frickin World Series! Frick YEAH!!!!!

9. Soon to be ex-President Bush, showed us all how good of a puppet he can be once again.

10. We nominated a WOMAN and a BLACK GUY (or African-American if you prefer) as our Democratic candidates!!!!!! Holy Ceremonial Monkey Feces Capt. America!!!!!!

Alright, that pretty much covers all of the important Mile Stones of the last year that I am aware of or concern myself with. If I’ve forgotten any in my haste, then my bad.

So now to more recent news:

Donovan is now crawling, walking in his walker, and standing on his own. He has cut his first tooth, its right in the middle on the bottom, and is wicked sharp. His hair has turned from dark brown to a light reddish-brown color (just like mine did when I was little), and his eyes have turned to blue with a small brown line around the middle. He is now about 25 inches long and weighs 20+ lbs. Fatso. The kid has legs the size of my forearms, no kidding!!!! I mean, I know I’m no He-Man, but still, he’s like 7 months old! The greatest part of my day is coming home for lunch and coming home at the end of the day and seeing him. Especially the times when he is in his walker, and when I come in the front door, he bee-lines straight to me with arms wide open and a big goofy smile on his face. Awesome.

Ya know, since I haven’t written in like a year, I’m gonna ease into this. So that’s all for, please enjoy the pictures below of the cutest kid on the planet.